Naruto's Nightmare Diet
by internalfugue
Summary: Naruto faints from malnutrition, so Tsunade orders Sasuke to be his personal nutritionist, cracktastic fun ensues. NaruSasu.
1. Chapter 1

Naruto's Nightmare Diet

Warning: Ooc like Woah. Almost no plot. Pretty much a crack fic, but hopefully still as enjoyable for you to read as it is for me to write. I don't own Naruto etc.

Intro 

Last week, Naruto collapsed in the middle of training. The team, especially Sasuke for some reason, was very worried. Sakura quickly took him too Tsunade's office to get a second oppinion on the cause of his illness. Finally upon discovering the cause of his black out, the team (not to mention the Hokage) was very annoyed.

"Naruto I can't believe you've only been eating instant ramen! Baka!" Sakura said in her 'outside voice'.

"You know it doesn't have proper nutrition for a ninja." Kakashi offered.

"I shall stay with you and cook all your food to make sure you don't scare us again!" Sasuke exclaimed.

They looked at Sasuke incredulously. Did he just say what they thought he just said?

"Lee are you training your bunshin no jutsu?" Sakura asked, for it did indeed sound like the Green Beast of Konoha in training.

"Don't you ever mistake me for Lee ever again, or else." These words were accentuated with a trademark glare.

Right, so it _was_ Sasuke. They probably just heard wrong. A thoughtful silence ensued.

Finally Naruto spoke.

"Can I go now Tsunade-ba-chan? I'm gonna go get dinner, I'm starved!"

Freezing our protagonist in mid-step, Sasuke and the old lady protested.

"Did you hear a word I said? Come back here!"

"Stop! I just told you that I'll feed you dobe."

However, since they were yelling in stereo, Naruto didn't catch what either of them said and poofed into oblivion.

"I never should have taught him that transportation justu…" Kakashi mumbled.

"Sasuke-kun, go find him!"

"It is your new mission, Uchiha, to be the kid's personal nutritionist. He will stay at your house seeing as it's bigger. Now go, before he eats more of those idotic noodles."

Sasuke stalked out of the room and 'poofed' to Icharaku's.

Our foxy blond had (predictably) already eaten two bowls of ramen and was ordering another when he was lifted out of his seat and flung over someone's shoulder. 'Well whoever it is, they've got a nice ass…' Naruto thought to himself.

"Dobe, you're staying with me now, and you can only eat what I tell you to. Hokage's orders."

Well, nevermind the nice ass, Sasuke isn't nice anything.

"Hmph. I can walk on my own teme."

"I don't trust you."

"I'm the one who shouln't trust you…" Naruto mumbled. He seems to forget the fact that other people can hear just as well as he can…

"Naruto…"

"What?"

"I'll never do anything to hurt you again. I promise."

"Right then… Hey Sasuke?"

"Yeah?"

"You are hurting me right now. And when the hell did you get so nice?"

'Since I realized I was in love with you.' The raven haired boy thought to himself.

"Since it's-none-of-your-business dobe."

"Fine."

The rest of the walk was spent in silence.

Chapter 1 

"What is _that_?" Naruto eyed his dinner warily.

"Dinner." It seemed Sasuke had returned to his cold self again.

"It can't be food."

"And why not?" Criticism was not appreciated, for Uchihas are perfect beings. Even their cooking must be perfect.

"There's no ramen."

Sasuke sweatdropped. "Will you eat it?"

"No. I want ramen."

'Fine then,' Sasuke thought, 'I'll have to persuade you.' He smirked.

Twenty minutes later, Naruto was tied up very tightly, th only thing he could move was his jaw.

"Perfect."

"Bastard! What the hell is this? I hate you!"

The last words stung, but Naruto's captor recovered quickly. "This is called _proper nutrition_. Repeat after me: Praw-per-new-trih-shun."

"Grrr."

"Rawr."

"What?"

"Nothing, now eat."

Sasuke staddled his captive and held his nose until he had to open his mouth for air. Pop, in went the food. And pfuht, out it went again, spat into Sasuke's face.

"I don't want that!."

Glare.

Not-so-powerful-glare.

Lusty-glare-plus-smirk in realization of how many things he could do to the blond right now. He could probably finish the checklist at the back of the Icha Icha Paradise book their teacher had lent to him.

Shudder. "Sasuke, why are you looking at me like that? You look creepy."

"If you spit food in my face, you still have to eat it."

"Wha- you mean… eww that's disgusterific! I'm _not _licking your face."

Sasuke sighed. 'Oh well, it was worth a try…' Presently he got off of the blond and went to watch tv and eat his own dinner. "Tell me when you're going to eat it Naruto." Only Sasuke could pull that off with food on his face.

A few hours later, Naruto's iron will was getting soft and his stomach was rumbling in complaint. The ropes were uncomfortably cutting off his circulation.

"Ready for dinner yet dobe?"

"Maybe."

"Good."

Sasuke held out a spoonful of food. Naruto ate it greedily. Sasuke held out another spoonful, and Naruto ate it. The spoonfeeding continued until Sasuke deemed apropriate. Then he untied all but Naruto's hands.

"Sasuke!" He whined. "Do my hands too."

"You won't poof out of here?"

"Nope." The blond grinned, his friend knew him too well.

"I don't believe you dobe."

"Aww, Sasuke!"

"Don't make me gag you."

"Sicko. You really like bondage don't you. That or you think you'll be so bad your girlfriend will run away."

"Shut up Naruto. You're the one girls run away from. I can't keep them off of me."

"You say that so spitefully. Maybe you're gay!"

"That's very insightful of you. I thought you were denser than that. Come here and I'll untie your hands on one condition."

"What?"

"You have to hold mine."

"I was right! So that's what Shikamaru was talking about…"

"What?"

"Nothing, untie me."

"You'll hold my hand?"

"I don't care, it's not like you're gonna kiss me right?"

Silence was the stern reply.

Later that night they were watching tv.

"Sasuke?"

"Yeah?"

"I have to go pee."

"And why are you telling me? You know where the washroom is."

"Your hand-holding thing?"

"Right. You can just go Naruto. Don't leave my house, because its easy to find you. There are worse ways of keeping you here than hand-holding."

"Bastard."

"Technically, that was my brother, not me."

Naruto stuck out his tongue at his rival-turned-friend-turned-nutritionist and went to the nearest of the five washrooms of Uchiha manor. After he'd finished there, he decided it was time for a little exploration. He'd only been instructed not to leave the house after all. If you could call it just a house. He might get lost trying to find Sasuke's room.

But this seemed likely. Dark blue wall (favourite colour), double bed (not parent's old room), huge mirror (narcissist), and hold on, what do we have here? Cd collection. Women and Songs, entire anthology. Great Pop Hits 1-5. Various boy bands. Interesting. Lots to tell Shikamaru of, nevermind the fangirls.

But the time comes when one has to seek personal insight to a friend's character. And look under their bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

"MY GOD HE'S A GAY CLOSET PERVERT!"

Sasuke stood at the door, rolling his eyes.

"Welcome to Itachi's room dobe. You can sleep here."

"WHAT! Your brother was a gay closet pervert bastard too?"

"What makes you think that?"

"He had Women and Songs."

"Presents from fangirls and aunts. I got them too."

"So who gave him the entire Icha Icha Yaoi Paradise series that was under his bed? Jiraiya said they're rare collectors items. He doesn't like doing whole volumes without any nekid women at all… What are you doing?"

"You can't find these anywhere! I thought Kakashi had the only full set. Wow, he even had the art book!"

"Um, Sasuke?"

"What?" The Uchiha didn't look up from the manga, eerily reminant of the copy-nin.

"I wasn't serious. I didn't know you're actually a gay closet pervert."

"Yeah yeah. Don't bug me, I'm busy." Sasuke then proceeded to take all the yaoi to his own room, while reading of course.

Naruto collapsed onto Itachi's bed, glad at least to have Sasuke out of his hair. It was really weird to be sleeping in this bed. The target sleeping in the would be kidnapper's bed. Which sounded kinda wrong. Oh well. He went and found some pyjamas and put them on and went to bed.

"Dobe, you didn't brush your teeth." Sasuke yelled from the next room.

"Teme! I don't have my toothbrush or anything. You never let me go to my house and get stuff. If I was a girl, or you, I'd be pretty pissed."

"What was that?"

"I said, do yo have an extra toothbrush?"

"Of course I do. I put it out for you."

Naruto grumbled, but got up and ambled to the washroom. Itachi's bed was really comfy. He'd been just drifting off to sleep before Sasuke started yelling at him… Oh well, it was for a good cause. He liked to keep his foxy grin in top condition.

In the middle of the night, Naruto sat up and said, something is not right. (I also don't own that line, it's from Madeline.) He heard footsteps approaching his room. The door flung open and Sasuke bolted in and hopped into the bed under the covers.

"Uh, Sasuke?"

"Hold me Aniki, I'm scared."

"BWAHhahahahahahaha… Can't breathe, so funny! Hahahahaha! Sasuke, you sounded so cute! Do it again!"

Sasuke rubbed his eyes. "Aniki, why do you sound like Naru…Eeeek! I'm sorry Naruto, I had a nightmare, and you're wearing his clothes and and…" He started getting sniffly. "And you're in his bed and th-this is where I come when have um, nightmares." Sniff.

"Sasuke are you crying?"

The two boys looked up at eacother. One was in tears and mortified. The other had the roundest, cutest, disbeleiving eyes ever to pity Sasuke Uchiha. Naruto threw his arms around Sasuke protectivly.

"It's ok." He said, getting teary too. "I never used to have anyone when I was scared. But now I have you. And you have me. It's ok."

"Naruto get off me."

The blond let go and laughed. "I guess it doesn't take you long to go back to normal. But I like you better when you're all scared." He smiled.

Sasuke smiled too, a secret kind of smile.

"Sasuke?"

"What?"

"You went 'eek'. Like a mouse."

"If you tell anyone, I'll kill you. And whoever you tell."

"Awww! Not even Iruka? Or Kakashi? Or Sakura?"

"Anyone."

"You're no fun."

"I'm your nutritionist, I'm not supposed to be fun."

"So we can't be friends or more?" Snort. "I mean, anymore?"

"Yeah, whatever dobe."

"Um, are you leaving any time soon?"

"No."

"Oh, um, well would you?"

"No. I told you, this is where I come. And this is where I'll stay."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Silence ensued for quite a while.

"Your feet are cold teme."

No reply came, for Sasuke was (apparently) asleep.

"Aaww! You're all docile and sweet when you sleep!" Naruto whispered.

"Go to sleep Naruto."

Sigh. Naruto played with Sasuke's hair, it seemed very soft. "You've got pretty hair."

"I know. Go to sleep."

"You like it when I play with your hair though, don't you?" Not really a question, more of a statement.

"Hn."

"Sasuke?"

The dark haired boy turned over to see Naruto's face. "What?"

"Do you have a cush on me?"

Sasuke turned back over. "No."


End file.
